Craig sent this ages ago, and it came up in a conversation I was having with some family a few weeks ago.  I’m not exactly sure how I ended up in a conversation about camels being hit by trains, but it was annoying that I didn’t have a link to the very event I was trying to describe.

While the whole thing isn’t terribly funny on it’s own - for some stupid reason, the addition of a speech bubble is … pretty hilarious.

How excited are you about double rainbows?

Are you this excited? I’ll bet … no.

So, let’s say you build big things, that you send all over the place by freight train.  Now, some of these things are heavy and built so that you have to transport them carefully.  You know that an efficient way for train companies to sort cars is by pushing them up a hill, and then directing each car along a particular track as it comes down the other side.  You also know that that process is unfortunately called “humping”.  You know that you might want some of your cargo to not go through that process.

Naturally, this is what you’ll print on your cargo.

It’s been awhile since our last post.  To get back into the swing of things:

My 360 broke down about 2 and a half months ago. It’s one of the first ones that came out, and they all have a known problem - something about a cheap solder used on the heat sink, or whatever. I called up their support and they were going to send me a box to ship mine to them and replace my xbox with a nice new one. So, that’s good. But, two months and a half later, I still have a broken xbox. I’ve been calling over that period.  They have an automatic phone system that checks their records, and it’s been insisting my xbox … box … will be arriving in the next 3-5 days. Finally, I called up again and got a really interesting support guy. So, this is about people like him.

So, I talked to Scott about my problem. Immediately, he sees in my account that it’s been 2.5 months since I’ve called and they still haven’t sent the package. So, instead of just re-issuing the order, now we get to spend 30 minutes going through the problem again. I say that I’m experiencing the “red ring of death”, which is the common description of the Xbox failing. It’s called that due to a bunch of LEDs that light up, in a ring. But, Scott feels compelled to tell me that it’s actually not a ring. “It’s actually some LEDs, and they’re built that way because they can represent a large number of hardware problems by which of them go on. 4 solid LEDs in a circle represent a serious hardware failure“. Great. So, we’re on the same page, I guess. Here’s the thing - why do these people feel the need to “educate” everyone? What I’m calling for is to get my machine fixed. I don’t mind some small talk - I’m not in a rush to get off the phone, but I don’t need a 10 minute dissertation on the awesomeness of xbox HW error codes.

At this point, Scott starts to get confused about what’s going on. He’s trying to fill out my address, but the application won’t take my street address. He goes and talks to someone else, and has to reboot his machine. He goes on a rant about updates to their machines which haven’t gone well. So, I figure I’ll participate in the discussion. I tell him how dealing with some customers, I know how sometimes you’ll go through all these steps that usually solve a problem and all these other things will go wrong - and it can all be very insane sometimes. You know - just trying to relate. “Actually, I’m quite good at quickly finding out exactly what’s wrong with the customer’s systems and finding that exact problem that they have, and getting them off the phones quickly.” Right.

Scott seems like he’s having a bit of a rough night, so I ask him where I’m calling. You know, a little chit-chat. “Actually, for security purposes, I’m not allowed to answer that question.” Okay. Are you in the States? “No. Actually I’m in the East Coast.” …. great. I guess now I’ll have to cancel that missle strike. Alright, so I guess small talk is limited to ridiculous lectures. And as if to prove this, he starts to tell me that using a UPS or surge protector with the 360 actually voids the warranty due to the 3 surge protectors that are in the whole power supply thing, and that they require a 30 amp service which can only provided by a wall socket, and the surge protectors don’t give that much, which slowly starves the system of power ….. well, I have to tell you all this - I’ve been told not to keep this kind stuff bottled up.

At long last, we make it to the point in the call where Scott is going to give me the summary. Then he says “Well, this is weird. The last person has it on here that you get a free game. But that’s not normal, so I’m going to go ahead and remove that.” Great. Thanks, Scott. “Instead, I’m going to give you a month of xbox live.” Great, Scott. Then he starts talking about how great xbox live is, so I interrupt to tell him I’ve been on it for a year. And so, he explains to me that he isn’t on it, although he would like to be on it, but his landlord doesn’t want to split the cost for the land line and he and his wife don’t want to pay for the whole thing, and so he’s not sure if he’ll be able ….. yeah, that went on for awhile.

At this point, I think I can write a pretty convincing novel about dear Scott. What motivates him, his likes and dislikes, how he’s moving to a day shift this week because he’s tired of not being able to go to the bars at night, and a host of other fantastic details. But, alas, it’s time for Scott and I to stop talking. He suggests that I call back during the week to talk to a supervisor because he thinks that the 2.5 months is crazy and I should be able to get a free game or something. You know, like I already had before he took it off my records. So, he volunteers to add a note about all this to my account, and I agreed.

And that’s when I found out that Scott still types with one finger. “….cus..to..mer ……has….. re..que..st…ed…… x…box……. live…..” - and so forth. If it’s not too blunt, I think people that still type with one finger should be shot. Especially those who dictate the whole thing as they type. And then Scott started to speak again: “So, what I just wrote down was …” - reading back to me what he had just typed, so that I knew what was in the record. I guess that’s in case I couldn’t understand the ridiculously slow way he talked while typing. It was particularly awesome how he corrected about 5 typos that he had made. I’m not sure how you can make typos when you type with one finger, but whatever.

And so, that ends the stupidest support call ever. What’s awesome is that I should be getting this new box (to ship my broken one back to them in) on Thursday or Friday. I’ll actually be in Whitehorse, so I’m sure this will all continue in wonderful hilarity.

I just got this spam mail, with the subject “GGET YOUR UNIVERSITY DIPLOMA”:

Hi brett!!
A Genuine University Degree in nnotime![ … blah blah blah marketing speel blah blah blah …]

These are real, genuine degrees that include Bachelors, Masters, MBA and Doctortae Degrees. They are fully verifiable and certified transcripts are also available.

Just call the number beolw. You?ll thank me later?

We work with all counrys
Reach Now +1-325-204-0322

[ … more crazy text … ]

Apparently you don’t need English to get your degrees anymore. I just love the thought of someone who doesn’t have a degree, reading a message rife with typos and horrible grammar (not to mention some crazy random text at the bottom) and thinking to themselves that their ship has finally come in.

How are they certified?! And what happens if you actually call that number …

I guess I’ll thank them later?

You remember Dr. Seuss’s The Cat in the Hat, where a Cat shows up to entertain some kids on a rainy day. That book was written in 1957. This is how things might go if it was made today …